So Long…And Thanks For All the Writing Material

July 16, 2012 at 8:13 am | Posted in Honesty, love, men, relationships, women | 3 Comments
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There were some poignant but funny reasons for ending a relationship in this Guardian Weekend article: not a recent piece, but one that has been waiting patiently, in the nook of my coffee table, to be discussed. They were taken from The Breakup Project, a truly democratic website which allows you not only to sever ties with that no longer ‘special someone’, but also with the rather more abstract concerns of death, God & fear of rejection. My favourite was this one:

We break up because communists always break up with me. We broke up because you are so busy being a communist, you forgot how to be a person, how to treat people. We broke up because there hasn’t been a revolution yet.

If I ever met this man or woman (but somehow, I think it’s the latter), I would ask her these two questions:

1) Just how many communists have you dated that you are able to utter the phrase, “because communists always break up with me”?

2) Are you going to stop dating communists now?

Karl Marx 1, matching Ikea bedside tables 0.

But I think the one to which I could relate most was this:

We broke up because you love the feeling of falling for a girl more than you loved me.

What touches me so much about that sentence is the way the tenses move from the present to the perfect. This is you now, this is the behaviour from which you can’t escape; that was you then and can only ever be you then.

Here are my most bizarre reasons for ending relationships:

We broke up because you were obsessed with World War Two, and I wasn’t.

We broke up because you wanted a civil partnership, and I had to break it to you that, being in a heterosexual relationship, we didn’t qualify for one of those.

We broke up because you ran away from the chavs in Coventry city centre. And then told me I was ‘just perfect’.

We broke up because you thought that aura photography was an actual career.

And the most bizarre of all:

We broke up because you had a vitamin D deficiency.

So come on, spill: what are the weirdest reasons for your relationships ending?

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  1. Here goes:

    1// We broke up because I didn’t understand what love was, until I met the next chap. And then you read about it in my diary…

    2// We broke up because you were a director and I was an actor, and we couldn’t stop pretending to be in a play. I ironed your shirt and we said it was like ‘Look Back in Anger’. But ultimately, we broke up because your parents objected to me not being Jewish…

    3// We broke up because you chose to do DIY and ignored the fact that I was naked and looking appealing in your bed.

    4// We broke up because you were a Christian and you ‘didn’t think you’d be able to stop yourself having sex with me’. Oh, and because you took me to ‘Twilight’ on our first date.

    5// We broke up because you were a model.

    6// We broke up because you didn’t like the German film ‘The Edukators’. And because I was an utter pig to you.

    7// We broke up because you were, and continue to be, Australian.

    8// We broke up because our relationship was based on eating Kinder Eggs and climbing trees. We were 21.

    9// We broke up because you didn’t tell me off enough.

    10// We broke up because you thought I was wonderful, and you kept taking photos of me and drawing me, and it got a little bit too much. Oh, and I was secretly in love with your best friend.

    11// We broke up because you do a really terrible American accent when you sing, and it made me wince.

    12// We broke up because when I was happier to escape through the streets of Croydon in the early hours of the morning from your relative’s flat than to see you.

    13// We broke up because you were a performer, and I still hadn’t learnt from the first time round. And because you sang a song to me at one of your gigs and things got really strange, and you looked a bit like Tintin.

    14// We broke up because I have a Jesus fetish.

    Wow. I think this probably says more about me than the boys I’ve dated….

  2. I’ve just remembered another: we broke up because you through the Kinder Surprise toy I’d been waiting to get for ages out of the car window. This is not in any way connected with the man from number 8.

    • Love these! Especially number 13. Relationships finish for the oddest reasons.


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