Always Crashing in the Same Car

February 27, 2012 at 8:00 pm | Posted in depression | Leave a comment
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I’m feeling down again. It always creeps up slowly, then I gradually realise how empty I feel. It actually manifests itself physically: I can feel a void in my stomach, and I don’t know what the hell to do about it.

As a pragmatic, problem-solving person, I always try to rationalise why I’m feeling this way, and I always come to the same conclusion: I have neither a right nor a reason to feel like this.

But this week, I don’t have to search hard for reasons. I am leaving my lovely shop, for example, and I may never work there again. I may never spend a morning in the windowless cash office, nor serve the lady who collects the Olympic 50ps. I may never again encounter the freezing wind tunnel by Next en route to the car park. I may never again have a cigarette in the service yard, watching the ambulances speeding by and thinking of Philip Larkin.

I am also sad, because I thought that my son would be waiting for me at home. Instead, he is at his other home, with his other grandmother, even though they are about to spend two whole weeks together.

I don’t want a pity party: honestly. So here are some photos of, to quote my best friend’s sister’s tattoo, the reasons to ‘celebrate’ my life.

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And the best bit is…..

January 20, 2012 at 8:13 pm | Posted in Career, London, Waterstone's, work | Leave a comment
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….I’ve got an assistant manager interview Friday! In London! Wooooooo!

Sweetness, I was only joking….

January 18, 2012 at 6:45 pm | Posted in Career, internet, Uncategorized, work | Leave a comment
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….or semi-joking, at least, about the Googling. Google away, if you are so inclined, particularly if you are someone who can help my career (which is pretty much one of the only three things I care about).  It fascinates me, the internet, this endlessly-populated and limitless population we’ve created.  Can you imagine if it ceased to exist?  It would be utterly bizarre.

Blue Monday indeed

May 24, 2010 at 7:55 pm | Posted in books, Boredom, Literature, Reading, sleep, Uncategorized, Waterstone's, work | Leave a comment
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I want to be doing this:

but I also yearn to feel inspired (that sentence makes me sound as if I need to read Women Who Think Too Much, or an equally cringeworthy read, but hey).

The fact is, my friends, that after work, which I love very much and don’t want to do less of (bad Amy – you ended a clause in a preposition!), Dooby feeding, bathing, dressing and entertaining, and sleep (mmmm, sleep, come to me), there really isn’t much time for anything else.  Yes, I know that their not being enough hours in the days is not exactly a new idea, but that’s not quite what I mean.  What I want is to feel interested again.  It’s been too long since I finished a book; I managed about six in Florida this March, where the hell is the next novel which makes me let my coffee sink to arctic temperatures?

I’m not depressed; I don’t think so, anyway.  It’s true that boredom is often just a mask for the black dog, but I don’t think that’s my problem.  I just want something to stun me.  Is that too much to ask?

P.S.  Yes, I know I sell books and should be able to find one which takes my fancy quite easily, but I can’t.  So there.

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